Blackout

Well, I tell you what. Bein' in jail for so long and not being able to get drunk all that time, I really lost my tolerance. I've been blacking out pretty much every night since I got out of jail.

The other night I went down to the tavern after drinkin a twelve pack of Blatz durin' the Brewer game. I met old Vern Carney down there and we got to takin' shots of Old Thompson. Well next thing you know, we're exchanging words about the race last week and I knocked his ass out cold on the floor. I slammed some more whiskey but then Vern's cousin Duane came into the bar and he pounded me up good.

I woke up in the middle of some field in the driver's seat of some pickup I ain't never seen before. The front end was smashed up, and I figured I must've run into something. Sure enough I saw an electrical pole knocked over next to the field. Well I figured I must've stole some guy's truck and done all that. So I got the fuck out of there, luckily I was headed towards my farm.

By this time I was all fucking pissed off because I didn't have any chew or smokes. Luckily, I was pretty close to Ed Pagel's place. I went over there and I know where he keeps his chew. Went in his garage and sittin' right there was a whole fuckin' silo of Copenhagen! I took the whole fuckin' thing and got out of there.

Got back to my farm and my fuckin' god did I have a splittin' headache. Figured I'd take a few shots of Old Thompson Whiskey to get rid of the headache. There was about a 1/4 bottle left and I ended up makin' a tall mixer with the rest of the bottle. Got about halfway done with my mixer and I decided I better go to town and get another bottle. Then I remembered I didn't have any money. Luckily I had stolen that silo of Copenhagen from Ed's place so I went down to the Middle School and sold three tins for five bucks a piece and headed to the liquor store and bought a bottle and spent the rest on smokes.

I got home and to tell you the truth, I don't remember much from then until now and that was four days ago. I found at least 100 empty beer cans in the bed of my pickup along with 6 empty bottles of whiskey. Then I woke up and there was some whore sleeping in my truck with me. I dunno, but it's sure been burnin' pretty bad when I get to pissin'. I'm startin' to wonder if that whore had some disease.

Almost One Year in Jail

Well, I tell you what. That god damned government sure has ramped up them rules on drunk drivin'. Got myself one year in jail for being a habitual drunk driver. Guess it was my ninth drunk drivin'. I told them fuckers it ain't like I hit anybody else. I always told that god damned judge at sentencing that the everybody else drives drunk around Wauzeka so there ain't no reason that I should go to jail. There's more god damn drunk drivers on the road than sober drivers!

But, fuck it. Jail was fucking awesome. Barney Dunse had been in jail for a while. I guess he owed some child support payments or some bullshit like that. But apparently he wants to get into business with me on my farm. Guess he wants to make grow some plant they make rope on. Tells me there is fuckin' tons of money involved and my farm is a perfect location. He'll be getting out here in a month or two.

Now that I'm out of jail I'm back to my farm and gettin' drunk and stuff. They made me take these fuckin' counseling classes in jail for what they called a fuckin' alcohol addiction. I told them they were fucked and probably drink themselves when they go home at night. No way am I going to stop drinkin'. As for the drunk drivin' well, I ain't supposed to be drivin' no pickups or cars none. So I figure since I'm a farmer if I get a tractor runnin' I can just drive that thing everywhere I need to go. If a fuckin' cops stops me I'll tell him I'm out workin'! Thank god I bought that field next to the tavern a few years back.

My livin' conditions ain't much better. The house on the farm has been unlivable for thirty years and only has the bones of the house standin'. Pulled an old double wide up about ten years back and when I was in jail the place went to hell. My bitch was supposed to look after the place but it looks like she ran off with some dick from Muscoda when I was in jail. Rumors had it she was pregnant. Sure as hell hope ain't mine.

Well, until Barney gets out of jail I gotta find myself some livin' quarters. I've pretty much exhausted my options for women to shack up with in Wauzeka. Ain't really no jobs around there that'll hire me. I might go check out that Baraboo area. Might be gettin' a little too big there but I tell you what, maybe I can get myself a job as a farmhand and find some trailer to live in until I get back on my feet and can haul another trailer onto my farm.