Treasure Hunt

Seein' how I was blacked out when I done buried 'bout $125,000 straight cash I got for sellin' my farm a couple years back I figured it was high time I try to find some of that money.

It's hard for a fella to try to make a buck out there earnin' a livin' doin' odd jobs. Ain't nobody really hirin' for farm work. I ain't got my own farm no more. It's got to the fuckin' point with all those god damned taxes on smokes that I'm takin' to ash tray minin' at the tavern just to get a little nicotine in me. What the fuck has the world come to when damn near half the day is spent workin' just to support my tobacco habit? It don't matter what that fuckin' government says none, I ain't a gonna quit smokin' and chewin'.

Anyway, back to tryin' to find that there money that I buried. Me and a few other fellas that are a little hard up for cash decided we was gonna go try and find some of that cash. I told them I'd give each a carton of smokes, a log of chew, and a case of Blatz if they helped.

We loaded up the pickup in Wauzeka and headed on down to the Denzer and Leland area as that is where I was livin' right after I sold my farm. Clem done brought a jug of homemade whiskey for the ride down. Luckily I got to knockin' boots with a whore down at the tavern the night before and I told her I'd be willin' to take care of them kids of hers soon as I find myself one of them jobs. So long as she went and picked me up a carton of smokes and a log of chew. Didn't mean to keep any of those promises none. Sometimes I get to knockin' boots with some whores and they'll end up buyin' me smokes and chew.

We're gettin' pretty good and drunk on the way down and figured we'd stop in at the old Denzer Country Bar and make a game plan. Well we pulled up to that tavern and it sure as shit wasn't the same old tavern that I knew back when I was livin' in the area. Walked in and the fuckin' place had themselves some new ownership that went and made the place all fancy like it was some kind of fag bar in that Madison. And to make things worse, you couldn't just run up a tab all night with the bartender not keepin' track of what I was drinkin'. Fuckers actually started to write down what I was drinkin'.

I done had enough of that. Headed on over to Leland and all of a sudden it done hit me. Walked in and seen somebody I ain't seen in a long time. Gertie Gruber. That's the woman I was knockin' boots with at the time I buried my money, and sure as shit if it didn't all come back that I buried the money underneath her trailer in the Bluffview Trailer Park.

Luckily that bitch didn't see me and I told Clem we need to get back out to the pickup and make a plan. We talked things over while havin' ourselves a tobacco trio of a smoke, a dip, and a line of sniffin' snuff. Done sent Clem back into the tavern with orders to get to knockin' boots with that Gertie while I headed on up to Bluffview Trailer Park lookin' for that money.

Clem went on back into the tavern and I started up the pickup and headed up to Bluffview. Got up there and tried to remember where I buried that money. Figured I was blacked out at the time I buried it, so my best bet at findin' the money would be to black out again and start diggin'. Got back in the pickup and drove around finishin' up that jug of whiskey.

By then things done got a little cloudy. Next thing I remember I woke up in the bed of my pickup truck clutchin' a couple of feed sacks full of money. I'd fuckin' done it! Got all my money back. That excitement was short lived. I reached into the smoke pocket of my shirt only to find that there wasn't a pack there. Reached into my back pocket for my tin of chew and found that that wasn't there. I was shakin' by now and knew that I'd finished up that jug of whiskey. But the worst was yet to come. I looked up and instead of seein' a field or some woods and trees or something, I saw some tall buildings and that surroundin' me. Then it hit me. My fuckin' truck somehow commandeered itself across that Wisconsin River and I ended up in hell itself. I was in Madison.

TO BE CONTINUED

Still Alive

I tell you what, I ain't put nothin' on here in quite a while. When my cousin Brody went to prison for a while, one of those bitches he was done knockin' boots with stole that computin' machine of his.

Well, we done got it back and are sure as shit ready to start tellin' folks 'bout what's goin' on.

That money I got from sellin' my farm a few years back sure didn't last too long. $150,000 and I thought I was set for life. Life don't work out like that none. I went out and got that double wide trailer and set it on the farm I was workin' at. Third fuckin' night I was in the trailer I finished drinkin' myself a jug of homemade firewater that a fella named Donnie brewed up. That was a pretty fuckin' potent batch he made up there as I was blacked the fuck out. At some point, I done must've forgot to put a smoke in the ash tray or something because when I woke up there were all kinds of fuckin' sirens and them government folk comin' onto my property because the god damn trailer was on fire. Them fuckers are lucky I was so drunk and my guns were inside the trailer (besides the shotgun I keep in my pickup).

Anyway, them ass holes put that fire out. Me bein' the smarter kind of fella was lucky I didn't have all my money in the trailer at the time. Don't believe in those banks none so I had it buried in a bunch of different spots all 'round the country. The biggest fuckin' problem with that is the night that I buried it, I had drank two bottles of Old Thompson whiskey and was drunker than shit. For the life of me, I can't figure out where the hell I buried that god damn money.

Sold My Farm

After bein' in jail so fuckin' long, everything on my farm went to shit. Basically, the trailer was fucked by the time I got out of jail. I almost wonder if some fuckin' squatters came in and knew I was in jail. By the time I got out of jail, the trailer was filled with fuckin' junk and you couldn't even get around. Mold was fuckin' growin everywhere and there were rats all over.

I ended up sleepin' in the machine shed for a while and I was lookin' forward to get to work in the fields but none of my fuckin' tractors started. Figured any repairs would cost thousands of dollars. Fuck that shit. I barely had enough money to get drunk and buy dip and smokes.

Well by then I figured out the best thing I've probably thought of in a long time. If I sold my farm I could get a shitload of money. Then I could just get a job as a farm laborer somewhere and still be doing the same fuckin' thing I've been doing my whole life.

So I really didn't want to deal with those son of a bitchin' real estate folks. I only would sell my farm for straight cash. Ain't gonna be dealin' with none of those banks. So I got a hold of Barney Dunse in jail, the guy who wanted to farm my land. He put me in contact with some folks who would buy my farm and grow whatever the fuck it is that they grow there. I'm suspicious that they may be growin' that dope as they looked like dopers to me. But I figured it don't really matter to me, I was lookin' to get out of the Wauzeka area. The fuckin' cops are on my ass all the time and I can't even drive around here because all the fuckin' cops know I ain't got a license and am usually drunk. So these guys offered me $150,000 straight cash for my farm. I took it in a fuckin' heartbeat.

Then I got a good lead on a farmin' job. I went and interviewed and got the job. It's only $5.50 an hour but what the fuck do I care? I'm fuckin' loaded right now anyway and besides, this farmer built a room in the machine shed I'm livin' in.

Well I'm pretty much fuckin' rich right now. I just moved to this Denzer area. Denzer's got a pretty good tavern and there are a couple more over in Leland. The cops don't know me and some of the fellas from Wauzeka may come on down.

With all this money, I may rent myself a double wide. That'll be the only way I get a piece of ass. I've got to impress the women and I hear it takes a double wide around these parts to make an impression on the bitches.

And one last thing, I'm definitely switching back to Copenhagen now that I have this cash. I think I'm going to go on a fuckin' shoppin' spree here soon.

Blackout

Well, I tell you what. Bein' in jail for so long and not being able to get drunk all that time, I really lost my tolerance. I've been blacking out pretty much every night since I got out of jail.

The other night I went down to the tavern after drinkin a twelve pack of Blatz durin' the Brewer game. I met old Vern Carney down there and we got to takin' shots of Old Thompson. Well next thing you know, we're exchanging words about the race last week and I knocked his ass out cold on the floor. I slammed some more whiskey but then Vern's cousin Duane came into the bar and he pounded me up good.

I woke up in the middle of some field in the driver's seat of some pickup I ain't never seen before. The front end was smashed up, and I figured I must've run into something. Sure enough I saw an electrical pole knocked over next to the field. Well I figured I must've stole some guy's truck and done all that. So I got the fuck out of there, luckily I was headed towards my farm.

By this time I was all fucking pissed off because I didn't have any chew or smokes. Luckily, I was pretty close to Ed Pagel's place. I went over there and I know where he keeps his chew. Went in his garage and sittin' right there was a whole fuckin' silo of Copenhagen! I took the whole fuckin' thing and got out of there.

Got back to my farm and my fuckin' god did I have a splittin' headache. Figured I'd take a few shots of Old Thompson Whiskey to get rid of the headache. There was about a 1/4 bottle left and I ended up makin' a tall mixer with the rest of the bottle. Got about halfway done with my mixer and I decided I better go to town and get another bottle. Then I remembered I didn't have any money. Luckily I had stolen that silo of Copenhagen from Ed's place so I went down to the Middle School and sold three tins for five bucks a piece and headed to the liquor store and bought a bottle and spent the rest on smokes.

I got home and to tell you the truth, I don't remember much from then until now and that was four days ago. I found at least 100 empty beer cans in the bed of my pickup along with 6 empty bottles of whiskey. Then I woke up and there was some whore sleeping in my truck with me. I dunno, but it's sure been burnin' pretty bad when I get to pissin'. I'm startin' to wonder if that whore had some disease.

Almost One Year in Jail

Well, I tell you what. That god damned government sure has ramped up them rules on drunk drivin'. Got myself one year in jail for being a habitual drunk driver. Guess it was my ninth drunk drivin'. I told them fuckers it ain't like I hit anybody else. I always told that god damned judge at sentencing that the everybody else drives drunk around Wauzeka so there ain't no reason that I should go to jail. There's more god damn drunk drivers on the road than sober drivers!

But, fuck it. Jail was fucking awesome. Barney Dunse had been in jail for a while. I guess he owed some child support payments or some bullshit like that. But apparently he wants to get into business with me on my farm. Guess he wants to make grow some plant they make rope on. Tells me there is fuckin' tons of money involved and my farm is a perfect location. He'll be getting out here in a month or two.

Now that I'm out of jail I'm back to my farm and gettin' drunk and stuff. They made me take these fuckin' counseling classes in jail for what they called a fuckin' alcohol addiction. I told them they were fucked and probably drink themselves when they go home at night. No way am I going to stop drinkin'. As for the drunk drivin' well, I ain't supposed to be drivin' no pickups or cars none. So I figure since I'm a farmer if I get a tractor runnin' I can just drive that thing everywhere I need to go. If a fuckin' cops stops me I'll tell him I'm out workin'! Thank god I bought that field next to the tavern a few years back.

My livin' conditions ain't much better. The house on the farm has been unlivable for thirty years and only has the bones of the house standin'. Pulled an old double wide up about ten years back and when I was in jail the place went to hell. My bitch was supposed to look after the place but it looks like she ran off with some dick from Muscoda when I was in jail. Rumors had it she was pregnant. Sure as hell hope ain't mine.

Well, until Barney gets out of jail I gotta find myself some livin' quarters. I've pretty much exhausted my options for women to shack up with in Wauzeka. Ain't really no jobs around there that'll hire me. I might go check out that Baraboo area. Might be gettin' a little too big there but I tell you what, maybe I can get myself a job as a farmhand and find some trailer to live in until I get back on my feet and can haul another trailer onto my farm.

Smashed My Pickup

Yep I done did it again, I smashed my pickup when I was drivin' drunk. Done wrapped it 'round a tree. I hit my head on the windshield but it didn't hurt me none. Now it looks like I gotta drive a tractor to the tavern now. Luckily them cops didn't get a hold of me 'cause I ain't supposed to be drivin' none. Probably goin' to jail soon for my latest drunken drivin' and if the judge seen I done got another DWI I'd probably go longer.

Liquor Competition

Well this weekend in Wauzeka was the annual Liquor Competition to see who brew up some of the best liquor this year.

Old Man Zweibel done broke into my still last week and stole all my moonshine I was makin'. So I had to go down to the liquor store and steal some old whiskey barrels. Put some water in 'em and rolled 'em around a little bit and then you got yourself a liquor called swish. Pretty fuckin' hard to get down but boy does it sure get you drunk.

My swish got last place for taste but pretty well knocked everybody on their asses. In fact everybody was so fucked up from my swish they couldn't even give me the Concoction With Kick Award.

Wish I would've had my moonshine, that shit kicks ass every year. Well I guess I better go drink some more fuckin' swish, I'm losin' my buzz here.